My week

Weigh-in this morning and pleased to announce a loss of 1.2kg! So that's a total of 2.7kg in 3 weeks. And I'm just stoked with that! Averages out at 900 grams a week which is nice & healthy.

Its been a fairly good week. I had 12 days of holidays with no plans I had lots of healthy recipes I wanted to try out. I really increased my intake of salads and vegetables and fruits this week which I'm sure has made a difference. 

I didn't do any exercise. I walked the dogs once and that was it. So its nice to know I was able to have a good loss just based on diet. And I wasn't even at work which is fairly physically demanding- I spent my days off reading, strolling through the shops at a casual pace and sitting around doing not much! 

I survived the family BBQ. Being mostly vegetarian I usually bring my own vegie sausages along to BBQ's anyway so the host doesn't freak out trying to cater for me! And my lovely auntie made me a special snack of a large flat mushroom filled with grilled vegetables! Yum! (and 0 points noice). I offered to make dessert which ended up being a platter of low fat custard tarts (3 points each) with fruit and a platter of full fat caramel tarts (points...????- i didn't have any of those obviously!) And I stuck to diet pepsi- no alcohol (plus I was driving anyway)

So plans for this week. I'm working night shift all weekend which sux, then have my exam on Tuesday so I'm sure there will be a little bit of stress about the place but I'm hoping I can resist over-eating as I usually do when I'm stressed! Ive already been to the gym tonight, then its 3 days of work so ill have enough to keep me occupied I hope!

First 2 weeks of Weight Watchers

Its been 2 weeks on the weight watchers program and I have lost 1.5kg. I lost 1.5kg the first week, then stayed the same this week. I'm totally happy with this so far! Last week was pretty disastrous and I was expecting a gain so I'm happy I stayed the same! 

I did weight watchers about 6 years ago and lost 17kg at the time (I went from 89kg to 72kg). Back then I was living with my parents and was a full-time uni student. I found it fairly easy to lose the weight and had a great time getting fit. I was hitting the gym daily and looked and felt amazing. Its when I finished uni and started working full-time shift work and moved in with my fiancée that the weight just piled on over the last 5 years with extra! 

This time around things are very different. My whole lifestyle is different so compared to back then doing weight watchers, I used to apply all the principles id learnt at meetings to my single student life. Now I have to re-learn how to apply these principles to my adult married full-time shift work life! Its definitely a different experience. Also back then I was so so fixed on the numbers on the scales each week whereas now I'm feeling alot more relaxed about it. I'm trying to keep myself more focused on the development of healthy habits and how I react to them then the numbers each week. 

At my meeting this week there was a few ladies who also started at the same time as me and were abit disgruntled with the fact they were doing everything perfect and by the book and only losing 1kg a week! It was bloody hard for me to not slap them out of their silliness! I was shocked! For 2 reasons. Firstly was I don't understand how you can go from living such an unhealthy lifestyle to 'perfect by the book' in a week, and secondly that you are unhappy with 1kg a week losses! I realised that these ladies have a higher chance of failure as they placing so much pressure on themselves and obviously working at a faster speed then they handle and then get the shits when they don't see the results they want. I thought about this for awhile and realised that I definitely used to be like that as-well but my way of thinking has shifted significantly. 

I no longer place so much pressure on myself. My expectations are no longer part of the equation. Now, I don't see expectations as the same as I do goals. If I say, my goal is to lose 30kg by end of 2012, to me this is different to saying 'I EXPECT to lose 30kg by the end of 2012'. Think about this for yourself. Say to yourself what you want to do but interchange the words 'GOAL' and 'EXPECT'. Now which one makes you feel like you're under pressure? For me, I definitely feel more under pressure when I say & think things with an expectant attitude which to me is a negative attitude. Saying and thinking goals is a positive attitude. And the more positive we see our goals then the more we will follow them. This is just how my way of thinking has changed. 

I remember the last time I did weight watchers I was always focused on the idea of 'ive lost this many kg's in this many weeks' and I gotta say, this way of thinking is all weight watchers fault and its actually a negative one which they have tried to disguise as positive. When we say things like this again, I feel this brings another element of negative pressure attached with it. One weight loss quote I now try to live by is " Begin as you would like to finish". So begin your weight loss journey the way you'd like to end it- living a healthy lifestyle. Don't go out with guns blazing restricting chocolate and being religious about 'rules'. Just live life and live it in the healthiest way possible. Its OK to have chocolate. Just not a whole family block everyday. But you can have a few squares everyday instead! And this is much less negative. I think its a lovely way to approach things. 

The only way things will be easy, is to be easy on oneself. 

XOXO

Why??? Not safe for young eyes - contains sex language.

The why of weight loss is always interesting. What is the real meaning for wanting to lose weight and what motivates us? Why do we break these motivations and go off the tracks? Why is it sometimes the why of weight loss is so clear yet at other times such a blur?

One of the things for me I've been thinking about this week is the way I feel about myself. Mainly, when it comes to sex. Now, my husband loves my body. I cant go a day without him feeling something up. He wants it all the time and he is always telling me how sexy I am but I just don't see it. And i certainly don't feel it! In fact, the main reason I say no to sex is because I don't feel attractive or sexy in myself. And this is something I want to change desperately. I want to wear nice lingerie and look at myself and feel sexy and want to have sex. This is very important to me as I'm quite a sexual person and my weight has definitely affected that! And I feel as a 25yr old woman its my right to want to a have a good sex life with my husband! And that is definitely one of my biggest motivators. 

XOXO

WW W1

Weight watchers, week 1!

Had my first weigh-in on Thursday. 109.5kg. Geez!

With a goal weight of 72kg, thats 37.5kg to lose. Totally doable!!!

My daily points allowance is 39, and then we get an extra 49 points a week to use how we want, for example I could add 7 points onto my daily allowance each day if I wanted, or say I was going to a wedding, then I could use those 49 points on food & alcohol. The idea is to make you not feel guilty if you splurge! Obviously you will lose weight faster if you dont use them but the idea is that you still will lose weight even if you do have them all but its like a safety net so you dont give in! 

I really enjoyed my first meeting. It wasnt too crowded and my leader is really nice, she likes to get everyone involved in the meeting and everyone there is very inspirational. This week is mainly about focusing on tracking and planning. My leader wants us to write everything down for the first week and then she will review it for us, kind of like homework. I know from the last time I went to WW that this is a test. She wants EVERYTHING written down. And for those who have a perfect list with no blowouts and exercised everyday are usually not being honest with themselves. 

So far ive had 1 major slip-up, which I knew would be a battle for me and thats post night shift. I become a food monster! Luckily I was still within my points and I did have to eat into my weekly allowance but thats what its there for! Definitely something I need to work on! 

A new development

Talk about things developing quickly!

I was browsing through facebook and liked the weight watchers page yesterday and about 2 seconds later a girl I work with wrote on my wall asking if I was doing WW and within about 5 minutes and 30 comments later there is now myself and a girl I work with doing WW and 2 girls I used to work with and we have started our own little facebook group about losing weight and supporting each other. Crazy! So my friend Mel and I will be doing WW together (not at the same meetings though) and Jan & Steph are doing their own thing but its exciting!  We all represent a different stage in life aswell. Steph is the youngest at 21yrs old, then me (25yrs old), Mel is 31yrs old and Jan is 40yrs old. Jan is definitely the go to girl- she had lap banding surgery a few years ago and has lost 55kg and is now a triathlon queen! She just wants to lose a few more kg's and tone up her diet abit. Steph wants to lose a few kg's by xmas, Mel wants to lose about 15kg and im the saddest case with 40kg + to lose. 

We are all so motivated to get on with it though and im looking forward to how things turn out!  

XOXO

A new look and a new start

I've been doing some reading lately on the psychology of weight loss and its been a huge eye-opener for me. I have come to realise a few little truths which I know will make a big difference. With these little truths on board I have come to a decision- to join weight watchers again. I did weight watchers about 6 years ago and got to my goal weight very easily and became a lifetime member. Why I left is something ive always regretted and after reading into the psychology of weight loss ive realised that WW is the best program for me. So with this new chapter id like to welcome back any readers out there to follow along with a new looking blog.

Firstly, im going to share some of the things that really struck a chord for me and have had my little brain ticking over the last few days. The book I read is 'weight loss for food lovers', by Dr. George Blair-West. Dr. George is a psychotherapist who helps clients work through their psychological issues with weightloss and the techniques & truths he talks about are so true.

One thing that really stuck with me is what he calls 'Immediacy". Its when our minds block out the thought of the pain we would suffer in say, 40yrs time, from chronic illness such as diabetes or heart disease which is caused by foods we get immediate pleasure from. And pleasure always defeats pain. Its about training your mind to look at the food you eat and ask yourself if this food will lead to a chronic illness in your future and are you prepared to deal with that pain for the immediate pleasure you would get now? I can understand for some people this would be hard to visualise if they have never been exposed to people with chronic, debilitating diseases before and for me I also believe its hard being a nurse as I think im abit desensitised from it as I deal with it everyday in my job. If all nurses actually stopped and paid attention to this fact there would be alot more healthy nurses! After all, there are heaps of overweight nurses out there (me included!) 

Another great topic was to distinguish between 'effort' and 'self-discipline'. Dr. George talks about how we need to focus our efforts on the things that will make all the difference and direct our energies from the things that wont. He talks about how its easier to make an 'effort' to put practices in place that make life easier instead of trying to 'self-discipline' our lives around things that are difficult. To put it more simply, it is easier for me to put a little effort into requesting Thursday mornings off at work to go to a WW meeting then to miss a meeting and feel guilty about it and then try 'self-disciplining' and beating myself up for it later and probably falling off track. Putting in a little effort to have my meals prepared for the next day if I know im going to be busy. Its about putting the effort into preparing our 'outside world' so we our plans for weightloss run more smoothly. 

There are still alot of other topics I want to discuss but will leave it at this for now. This is just to let you know im back and in the right frame of mind this time. And its exciting. Its exciting to finding an understanding as to some of the reasons ive failed before and it makes sense this time. Its still very early days but I look forward to understanding it even further and bringing to this blog more frequent updates about my progress. 

XOXO

A development

Right. For all those followers out there who are vegetarian or vegan, I warn you now to leave the premises.

I have come to the decision to start introducing fish back into my diet. I have been thinking about this for a very very long time, at least 6 months. Its not a sudden decision or a decision made without the facts. I have been researching this very thoroughly and have come to the decision to which I think will benefit myself the best.

I have been consulting a dietician and my doctor in this decision and decided introducing fish into my diet again is the best choice for me. Now, this is just a public forum and I dont know half of you personally and therefore dont need to justify my decision however I will share some information I have gathered towards this decision.

1. I have a very very strong history of cardiac disease in my family. There is alot of research which I have hunted down myself and there is alot of proof showing that eating fish DOES reduce your risk. And since we are all about health here, thats a pretty big positive.

2. Im always sick. Depsite the massive variety of fresh & healthy food I eat I get sick alot. Again, I have researched this independently and there is strong evidence that a diet of fish is beneficial in preventing common colds & infections which im at a higher risk of, especially in my career of healthcare.

3. Im pre-diabetic. Once again, I have independently reviewed recent research which has very strong evidence showing a link between eating fish and preventing diabetes.

4. Variety. This is entirely an opinion with no real research behind it but I know in myself that variety is the spice of life. Having that 1 extra option of a fish based meal really opens the door to lots of new & exciting meals.

5. Protein. This one is very controversial. There is alot of evidence for & against whether human beings need a higher protein intake. Vegetable based proteins are incomplete proteins and meat based proteins are complete. When consuming a 100% plant based diet the body needs to find sources of proteins to complete the incomplete sources, so vegetarians never quite get a total protein hit. From my own personal studies in the composition of the body and nutrition, I feel it is important to have complete proteins. I have read alot of research on this and alot of it has actually been from vegetarian publications which support a small amount of fish in the diet to complement a vegetarian diet.

So there you have it, just a few reasons which aided in my decision. I will ask only for comments of a postive nature if you have any. Any nastiness will be deleted and you can go find something better to do with your time. I have never once been rude to meat-eaters and I expect the same from people in this decision which I have made for my own health, not for anyone elses. If you dont like it, then please leave. If your happy for me, please stay and I look forward to bringing you more blogging goodness on my mission to good health.

My week in pictures

I have had a fairly good week this week. Saturday & Sunday was spent catching up with family I havent seen in months, including seeing my cousins little daughter for the first time since she was born (she is 18 months now!!) I usually work most weekends, and so does my husband, so it was great to spend a weekend with loved ones.

On Monday hubby & I drove up to the Sunshine Coast hinterland to a little piece of heaven called Montville. We go to Montville quite alot- they have amazing accomadation in little treehouses which overlook the lake with big spa baths & wooden verandahs with the 'love seat' where you cuddle up and watch the lake with a cup of tea in a terry towelling robe and read the local paper or just stare into the beautiful view with the sound of nature around you. The actual town of Montville is a little hippie, crafty street full of cafe's and other pretty little shops. Its my dream to live there one day!!

First up is some pictures of this weeks meals from my delivered diet food plan.

 Spinach & ricotta canneloni with carrots, peas & broccoli.

This is just soooooooooo yummy!!!!!! My favourite meal!

Vegetarian lasagne with broccoli & carrots.

Also comes with beans but I dont like beans. This lasgane is so good, its so cheesy & yum you wouldnt know it was diet food!

Vegetarian quiche with salad, wholemeal breadroll & cheese, and pasta salad.

Such a big meal! The little quiches are really yum & the salad is so filling!

Vegetable frittata with cottage cheese.

This is actually a breakfast meal which I like to have on my days off. So good!

Next is some photos from my life this week which I felt like sharing.

My puppy dogs- Lucy (left) & Leon (lying down) on our bed. Poor Leon has to have his hips xrayed soon and possible hip replacment. Poor baby, he is only 9 months old! And he is getting his boy bits cut off in a few weeks :( the saddest part is losing all that beautiful long hair when they shave him!  

 My husband & I went to King Tutt's Putt Putt at the Gold Coast last week. Was awesome. I lost.

One of my kitties, Halo, on top of the front door. Sometimes I think she thinks her life isnt exciting enough so she creates danger for herself. Such a little daredevil!

Mmmmmm liqeuer!!!! These are from a shop in Montville which sell all these amazing flavoured liqeuers in every flavour you can think of! I got the dark chocolate, lemon & lime, and hazelnut. Yum!!!

I collect owls. I dont have many yet but I think I have about 6 or 7 so far. I saw this little guy in a shop at Montville and had to have him! Poor fella is just sitting by himself staring at his reflection wishing for a friend!

Ive been looking everywhere for a decent ceramic, reusable travel coffee mug and found this pretty one at Montville. Paper coffee cups are very bad for the environment so I recommend you all get one if you like your regular cafe coffee's like me. Most places I go to are happy to make your cuppa in these, they are the same size as a standard large takeaway coffee, plus the coffee shop saves $ on paper cups. Everyone wins!!!

A pleasant surprise

Starting off with my new healthy eating plan today and decided to brave those dreaded scales! I was expecting something around the 110kg mark so I was very surprised to see 103kg! Not as bad as I thought I would be, so a nice way to start!

Im on night shifts at the moment, so just a quick little post but I will try take some piccies of the meals soon. Todays menu was:

Breakfast- yogurt & fruit salad

Lunch- vegetable lasagne with fresh salad

Dinner- vegetarian quiche with fresh salad, pasta salad, cheese & a wholemeal dinner roll

Snack- apple

Tomorrows menu is:

Breakfast- just right cereal with skim milk, 1 piece multigrain toast with jam

Lunch- quiche & fresh salad, pasta salad & cheese

Dinner- spinach & ricotta canneloni with carrots, peas & broccoli

Snack- orange

No exercise the next 2 days as im working 12hr night shifts, but im gearing up to go to the gym on Sunday! Lets get back into it!!!!

onto Plan B

Firstly, I would just like to clear the air on how I feel about Michelle's 12 week body transformation program. I think its a fantastic program. The meal plans were great, the exercise plans were awesome, and the online forums & support are the true strength behind that program along with all of the live videos & weekly messages. So why did it not work out for me? Ive been picking my brain and trying to find what went so wrong. There is nothing in the program that was bad, my downfall was myself and how I handled situations in my life when the going got tough. As mentioned previously, the last few months have been abit nightmarish for myself & my husband and having all that extra stress in our lives really took its toll and I didnt handle things the best way I could have. Being so public with my weight battle, which I still believe was one of the best things I ever did, also had the downfall of setting myself up for failure. Putting my expectations so high and at the slightest hint of failure I plummented, the embarrassment of having to face everyone I publicly confessed to did not help my depression at all. Coming to terms with that was probably the hardest thing of all.

Things are starting to normalise again in my life and im starting to feel back to my happy self and at a point where I can get over the past, learn from my mistakes and feel comfortable enough to start this journey all over again.

So, on with the plan! One of the best lessons I learnt from Michelle was plan, plan, plan!!!! Now, im not using this as an excuse, but im being realistic- time is always against me when it comes to preparing healthy meals. This is one of the downfalls I found when I was doing the 12wbt, and having to make time added to my stress. So this time around I am going to go the method of literally being spoon-fed. Delivered diet meals. No before you all send me hate email for being so bad, hear me out. The company im going through isnt like Lite n Easy and those sorts of companies that try so hard to fit as many chemicals as they can into the smallest sized serving of cardboard tasting crap then charge a small fortune for it. The company is called 'Trim a Weigh', they are a locally owned & operated family company and the only one I found that was suitable for vegetarians. Unlike most diet delivered meals which give you only 1 or 2 options, with trimaweigh you pick what you want for each meal from the entire collection they offer. The food is simple, fresh, and wholesome and hardly processed at all. Breakfasts to choose from include a huge selection of low GI cereals, grain toasts, eggs, english muffins, fruit salad, and hot breakfasts like vegetable fritatta with cottage cheese or omlettes. Morning tea is fresh, whole fruit. Lunches can include fresh salads, vegetarian burger pattie with salad and a wholemeal roll, cheese & salad, fruit salad, wholemeal crackers with tomato & cheese, vegetarian lasagne with fresh salad and yogurt. Afternoon tea is a small snack of cheese & crackers or yogurt or light fruit cake or a muesli bar. Dinners to choose from are mac & cheese or spinach/ricotta canneloni or vegetable lasagna with a massive serving of fresh vegetables or a vegetarian quiche salad. All meals are low fat, low GI and low sodium. Its 1200 calories a day, and for the a 7 day program its $128, but im buying mine in 4 week packages which makes it $120 a week including free delivery.

As for exercise, ill leave that for the next post, but it will be fairly similar to what I was doing for the 12wbt as it was such a great exercise program.

As for the other areas of my life, things are going ok. I ended up getting a distinction for uni last semester which im stoked with and am looking forward to this semester which started this week. Work has been good too lately, busy, and ive had students everyday but overall has been fairly stress-free. I got an awesome tax return this year which has really helped us get back on our feet as finances were a huge stress the last few months!

Overall, im looking forward to getting my life back on track and I hope you can stick around for the ride!

Starting to see a light

Hello loyal followers, if there is anyone left. I wouldnt blame you all for jumping ship as its been fairly quiet here lately. I am starting to see a way back though, there is hope for me yet!

It was very tempting to just delete this blog and turn my back on the whole thing but I want to make something good out of this. I want to look back in a few months and see how far ive come. The quote under my blog banner has definitely rung true for me the last few weeks.

Its only after we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything.

I had my first panic attack a week ago. It was very scary. Now, im a nurse and have seen alot of 'panic attacks' before, both real & fake and this was so scary to me. Its incredible how sudden it starts. My chest became so heavy and tight it was so hard to breathe. I started hyperventilating (breathing very very fast) and was crying like ive never cried before- these were no crocodile tears, this was a painful and deep cry. A feeling of impending doom overcame me and I started to feel very weak & dizzy. It was the scariest thing ive been through in my life.

But, in the end I think it was my body trying to release something- a pent up mixture of emotions and energy that needed to escape as it was screwing up my head and im used to thinking clearly and was so not myself with this negative package of emotions doing its damage. After I calmed down I felt a sense of serenity and could finally start to piece things back together. 

Im still quite fragile at the moment, mentally, and right now its just a day by day battle to keep my headspace in the positive light, but its getting there. I have a few new ideas & plans lined up weightloss/exercise wise and will delve into those in the very near future, so stay tuned folks! The healthy & skinny version of me will be with you shortly! And I promise to do more regular posts. I know these deep & dark depressive posts arent exactly a ball of joy but I feel I know im not the only one with demons and I WANT to show people with the same demons that there is hope and we can look back to this one day and feel proud. 

Peace out!

update

Its been a very very long time since I updated and I know there are certain people out there who have been worried about me (im looking at you chucky!). The truth is, the last few weeks have been abit of a rollercoster ride and I didnt really know how to express it, or whether I even should express whats been happening to the public world of blogging. But I guess getting it all out there will either be the best thing or the worst thing and who really knows so ive decided to put it out there.

I have completely fallen off the wagon. I have fallen hard, hit my head on the ground and been run over by the traffic behind me. It all started week 3 of the challenge when I got really sick with the flu. I was so sick I could barely walk up the stairs in my house let alone drag myself to the gym. Also money was getting really tight and I could not follow Michelle's diet plan at all. I did try though, tried to make the cheapest things I could. I had a really awful week that week and started slipping back into old habits again. Of course, this led to me feeling like a complete failure and the last few weeks have just flown by and ive been too ashamed to show my face again. I really set myself up for failure and I did fail and it hurts so much. I made my battle so public and set myself up for such a huge goal that at the slighest hint of failure my mind over-ruled me and I convinced myself to just crawl back into my hole and stay there and thats where ive been lately. The feeling of failure is incredible. Ive failed many times in the past but never has it hurt so much. I thought being so open about my struggle would be the key ingrediant to get me over the line but it honestly feels like the one thing that made me crash & burn. I am so ashamed & so embarrased and its hard for people to understand who have never gone through such things. Getting 'back on the wagon' sounds so much easier then it is aswell. I have slipped back into a very depressed state and I feel like im on the verge of breaking point. The last few weeks have bought up so many feelings of self-hate and lowered my self-esteem to such a low level that I had dabbled in my even worse dark demons of my past eating habits when I was anorexic/bulimic. The starving myself for a few days, then binging & purging cycle all started again and I hate it when I relapse like this. It only lasted a few days but its added to my depression big time and although the binging/purging & starving behaviours have been re-controlled, ive gone back to the same old habits I usually have which got me here in the first place. And the associated depression that comes with it has reared its ugly head again and im having a really tough time trying to get a hold on things again. Im just so lost right now and I hate it.

AWOL

an update is coming. Its groundbreaking stuff. Nah, not really, just more of my shit ramblings but I assure you there will be colourful language, a few tears and hopefully an epiphany. Stay tuned believers!

week 4 vlog

Oh my god. How horrible does the video look below? Yuk lol! Hurry up and press play to get rid of that nasty look on my face!

Measurements this week!

Chest: 108cm : down 2cms

Waist: 110cm : down 4cms

Widest: 129cm : down 2cms

Both Thighs: 80cms : no change

Total of 8cms gone yay!

this is bullshit!!

Grr im so over it right now!!!! This is a total uni/study vent so feel free to ignore as it doesnt really relate to 12wbt but I need to vent!!!

I have my exam next Wednesday and things are looking horrible!!!

Ive hardly studied, and yes I know thats my own fault but god this semester has been a bitch!! The first 3 lectures wont be in the exam but that doesnt really make a difference as I learnt nothing new in those lectures. I have spent the majority of the semester working on my major assignment which was worth 50% and I got 37.5/50 which I was stoked with, and I got 8.5/10 for my mini-exam at start of semester so I only need 4 out of 40 for my exam to pass the whole subject but im sitting on a distinction right now and id hate to lose that distinction. The annoying thing is, the majority of this semester has been on neurological, spinal & burns which the hospital I work at doesnt do so half the info just isnt sticking because I strongly relate facts to my experience and day-to-day work so if I havent done it then I dont get it!!! The exam will be 2 case studies, each worth 20%. Im fairly certain one of the cases will be ARDS (acute respiratory distress syndrome) as the whole 'theme' of this semester is advanced mechanical ventilation & respiratory and they kind of hinted on the ARDS lecture to know it back to front which is fine because im awesome with ARDS and am fairly comfortable with the knowledge. However, I just know the second case will be either spinal or neurological trauma as heaps of the students in my class are from the royal hospital which does neuro & spinal & burns traumas so they will want to quiz them I reckon. It sucks!!! I hate it!! I just hate everything to do with the brain/spine, and burns for that matter. Thats why I dont work in an area like that!!! Ah well. Im just being silly. At least next semester is cardiac & renal & advanced haemodynamics which my hospital is the best at so that will be awesome! Im just really bummed this semester has been a total drag as I so badly want to do really well and I know I will pass but I dont want to just pass- I want that distinction dammit!!!

Anyway. Enough of my ranting. This is what sleep-deprivation plus being sick plus being frustrated I cant go to the gym plus stupid fricken boring lectures does to a girl. Hopping off my soapbox now!

weigh-in week 3

Lost 700 grams this week. Im pretty stoked with that actually. Been so sick with this horrible cold the last few days & havent been able to go to the gym so I thought this week would be terrible but im happy to see a loss instead of a gain! So this brings my total to 2.7kg in 3 weeks. No where near what I initially set out to achieve by this stage but thats ok. Im abit worried about next week being mini milestone. I was hoping to be able to run 1km but now with my chest full of crap & hardly being able to breathe I know this wont happen. It always takes me awhile to recover my breathing after being sick (and no, im not a smoker- never have been!) and I know it will take awhile to get my fitness back again but thats ok. Im very proud of how far ive come in 2 weeks so it wont take long to get back there again.

So im down to 103.1kg now which is good. So close to being under 100kg which is exciting! Ive noticed my jeans are abit looser and my work uniform feels abit more comfy, especially around the hips/tummy. I cant wait to order new uniforms for work in smaller sizes!

Ive been abit down lately, as I vaguely mentioned a few posts back. This journey is certaintly unlocking alot of hidden emotions. For so long I have been so unhappy with myself its just my normal way of thinking & feeling now and when I receive a compliment or feel happy about something its such a foreign concept that I so quickly dismiss the feeling as its 'not right' to feel that way. Im finding it very hard to grasp any sort of certainty on who I am as a person now and what I want in my life. And of course, what I deserve in life. Do I really deserve to be happy? Or am I just here to try make others happy? Does anybody even care? My head is full of such conflicting opinions on myself & my life and im beginning to feel very self-absorbed and narcissistic and again dismiss these thoughts as soon as possible because I dont have time to be thinking about this about myself. Over-analysing much???

this sux

Been awhile since I posted, been super busy working some shit shifts this week. And to top it all off im sick! So not happy right now. Ive been working nights this week and it was about midnight the other night I started to get a runny-nose and by 7am I was wrecked. It has now blown into a massive crazy cold with my nose constantly dripping, I cant stop coughing and every time I cough I dry-retch! Add into that total lethargy and a slight case of the runs! Its awesome. So no gym for me. And weigh-in is tomorrow! I have no idea how it will go. I havent really been eating either, feel way to sick to even think about it. I just want to be over this so I can get on with it!!!

feeling abit down.

that is all.

week 2 weigh-in vlog

KEEP CALM & CARRY ON

I love love love the KEEP CALM & CARRY ON poster, and have found sone great similar ones. And I just felt like sharing. Have you found any other good ones??

Week 2 Blogging Challenge

Right, week 2 blog challenge- go check it out at http://courage2start.blogspot.com/

What I want from this blogging challenge is ...

tell me about your STRENGTHS
I WANT to know about your physical strengths.
I WANT to know about your mental strenghts.
I WANT to know about the habits you have that make you strong
I WANT to know what it is about you that makes you the fighter that is inside.

You can't just tell me one thing. Tell me what makes you strong.
Make me BELIEVE it! Make me BELIEVE you are going to fight for your health and you HAVE the power!
Tell me what prepares you to fight these 12 weeks now to make you extraordinary.
What is deep inside you that means you are going to succeed.
And how are you going to use those strengths??

Inspire me.
Cause you ARE inspirational to me.
Now I want to be sure that YOU believe it..

 1: Physical Strengths.

I think im fairly strong. Ive noticed in the last few weeks since exercising with my husband that we are lifting similar weights in a few of the exercises and it makes me really proud that I can keep up with a man when it comes to lifting weights! I used to do weight training with a personal trainer 2-3 times a week for the 6 months leading up to my wedding and I was lifting some incredible amounts of weights. As an example- right now im lifting 40-50kg on the leg-press, and when I was with my trainer I was doing 100-110kg, so I know deep down that I more then capable of getting back to that weight and building up that strength once again!

I also think im abit of a machine when it comes to the bikes. If only those seats were abit more comfy! Im not very good at speed but I am fairly good at endurance. I can go a steady rate on the random program for a good amount of time and feel great.

2. Mental Strengths.

My husband said to me last night that he is very impressed with my motivation at the moment. He has seen me go through countless weightloss programs before and he said he has never seen me in this frame of mind before- so determined and focused to succeed. That means the world to me. I do give up very easy but I think a mental strength of mine is that when I AM focused nothing stops me. I become obsessed with it, and I live & breathe every second of it. And I definetely feel a different type of energy this time. I get it now. I understand the process of change. Consistency is key. Living beyond the limits. Pushing beyond the unthinkable. Nothing is impossible. Even I cant stop me. Nothing can stop me. This is my lightbulb moment. This is me, leaving my body and looking back at myself and seeing not a broken woman anymore- there is massive potential here, and that potential will be filled. It will be blasted out of the water. I wont know whats hit me, but I know I like it, and I want more!!

3. The Fighter Inside.

Ive always been a fighter but in a different kind of way. Im a total perfectionist to the point where I think even my accomplishments arent good enough and this is my downfall which im starting to realise now. Ive never felt like im worthy enough and ive never done anything good enough. When I finished university-yes I was proud I was finished, but I didnt graduate with honours or even a distinction and to me that meant failure. Ive worked the ladder in my career and am now working in a highly skilled & demanding area of nursing practice- intensive care- which to me is the pinicle of knowledge & skill in nursing yet I still feel like a failure. Im still not proud of that. Now I look at my career and think- im just a doctors slave. To other people im just a person who wipes up shit and follows doctors orders. Yet I know deep down its this feeling which pushes me further in my career and I need to change perspectives. I need to see the positives of this way of thinking and turn it around. 

I think im ugly. I see no beauty when I look at myself in the mirror. I am a plain jane. There is nothing nice to look at. I get told im beautiful and I love that my husband finds me so attractive but I just dont see it. I want to see it though, and I think this is what makes me a fighter. I dont want to ignore those compliments anymore, I want to embrace them. I want to agree. I want to be able to look at myself and think' hey, im alright!' 

I have dealt with alot of nasty people in my life. I have been bullied & beaten down so much with words, both direct & indirect and I hold alot of grudges to people in my past. I picture these people in my mind when im struggling with my exercise- I see their smug faces and I use this to push myself so one day I can confront them and say ' I told you I could do it!!', then completely dismiss them without another thought.  

update

Happy Tuesday everyone!!!!

Been super busy the last few days, working long hours, hitting the gym and cooking yummy food!! So far ive had a great week, have gone to the gym everyday except Sunday (rest day) and did my Super Saturday Session of 1001cals. Weigh-in day tomorrow- id love to see 1kg gone, fingers crossed!!

I noticed a few weeks ago some people posted on the forums about low calorie hot chocolate and how the Jarrah brand was full of chemicals and what other good low calorie hot chocolates may be out there? Today I found an organic drinking chocolate from Abundant Earth in the hot choc aisle at Coles (it was on the bottom shelf) and it looks fairly ok. Its 51cals per 14g serving (compared to 45cals per 11g serving of the Jarrah) and ingrediants are organic sugar, organic cocoa powder, organic skim milk powder & natural flavour. So numbered ingrediants! It tastes pretty good aswell.

Diet wise this week has been fairly good. I worked 12hr night shifts on the weekend which I was worried would be a hurdle but with a little planning it was ok. I had a late lunch (like 3pm), then started work at 6pm, had my dinner break at 9-10pm, then breakfast break at 3-4am then just had a small snack when I got home from work at 8:30am then slept all day. This worked really well. I also made a big effort to drink more water on night shift! I always get so dehydrated & headachey when I work nights because I usually drink coffee all night, then sleep all day so have no water at all! But this time I made the plan that I would limit myself to 2 coffees overnight and the rest was water and I dealt with that quite easily.

Exercise has been good this week. The weights have been a killer but so good to get back into again. I gotta admit I had a little chuckle to myself this week when I was in the weights section at my gym and there about 6 guys going hard on their weights, lifting like 50kg+ and here is me- the only girl- and lifting....5kg. Hahaha! Felt slightly intimidated, but I had fun! Last night at the gym was very very busy- I have never seen it that busy at 10pm before! My husband said he saw lots of guys checking me out but I think he was just trying to make me feel good, I seriously doubt that. Or if they were looking it was in shock horror lol. Anyway, I was really in the zone last night and smashed it on the x-trainer- I finally beat my husband on distance! Was so happy with myself. Now I just gotta beat him on every other machine there! Its fun having some competition between us. Well, lots of study to do- exam in 2 weeks (OMG) but I will be back to post tomorrow (maybe do a new vlog) with week 2 weigh-in results. And hopefully I can get to doing the blog posting challenge sometime today aswell. Take care everyone!

day 4

Firstly- blogger isnt letting me reply/post comments to my own posts so I have to reply here! To Kathy- the 700gms was over a week, not 2 days.

Next- a new vlog. So much easier then writing! Plus you get to listen to my voice and witness my post exercise glow (sweat & tears!! hehehe)

first weigh-in

I lost 700grams this week. Was pretty disappointed at first, especially as people were losing like 4kg+ in 2 days!! Plus im over 100kg so I was expecting bigger numbers. But still, it could be worse, couldve been a gain! Thinking back I have had a fairly up & down week. I had to skip gym a few days being sick, and I did have a few extra calories (which yes I did an extra session for, but obviously didnt work!)

Well, its a new week and a fresh start and im determined to do much better this week! Following the plan to a tee, counting every calorie and weighing my food to the exact gram. Im so sore from yesturdays weights session, but glad today is cardio as I feel like im doing more fat-burning when I do cardio compared to weights.

On a completely unrelated topic, can I just say that the new Lady Gaga album came out this week and its AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG. Its so good!! Thank you for mother monster!!!!! You get me through every gym session!

day 2

thinspiration: image heavy!

video blogging is so much easier then typing!!! lazy!! hehehe!!

Blogging challenge

So the loverly Kath over at http://courage2start.blogspot.com/2011/05/mindset-monday-first-blogging-challenge.html has started a blog ring/challenge each week based on the mindset lessons to make us all pour our hearts out and get those feelings out there for the blogworld to see! Hells yer im into that!!!!!

If you can dream it you can achieve it!!!
I want you to paint me a word picture. Pretend today is not today. You are not nervous, or overwhelmed or apprehensive or excited about the next 12 weeks. You are none of those things because you have LIVED it! You are at the finish line!

Maybe today is the day you run city 2 surf! Maybe it is the finale party. Maybe you are at the final workout. Maybe you are standing up there on the stage with Mish - a WINNER this round.

Paint me the picture. What are you feeling? What are you wearing? What can you do?
What have been your greatest achievements? Your biggest challenges?

How do you feel inside?? Just how excited ARE you???

Before you achieve it - you have to dream it. Put those dreams down. Make them real.
The more specific your dreams the closer you are to making them a reality.

I like to use words AND pictures, as im more of a visual person!

This will be me, looking very Jessica Alba-like on holidays in Bali next year! Im feeling incredibly healthy and super-fit and bursting with confidence as I strut around in my bikini looking hot!! I can do anything I want to on this holiday- no weight holding me back! I can go snorkeling, I can go running on the beach, go swimming, and feel confident enough & good about myself to treat myself to some luxury pampering & spa treatments without being embarrassed by my weight!. My greatest achievment will being able to love myself and to feel confident in myself and not hear that little voice saying 'you are disgusting' over & over again! My biggest challenge I overcame was to let myself enjoy some happiness in my life and truly feel I deserve to be happy & healthy. I feel the best I ever felt before in my life and my excitment levels are off the gauge! Its pure bliss!!

exhausted!

please excuse the horrible sight that is me after a long day!!! hehehe!

PIES!!!

Week 1 opened up today, as most of you know. I have had to do alot more planning then most, being vegetarian, and working out substitutes for the meat's but I will post about that abit later. For now, I must share you with this awesome pie I made. My husband & I are quite into the tv show Masterchef, and one of the challenges last week was a pie cook-off and we both got all excited so decided to make our own (and put it a vote between family & friends). I wont share a pic of my husbands as it had a rather rude picture on the top (a penis!) but here is my masterpiece which I won the most votes for! Its a 'vege' chicken, mushroom, onion, basil, spinach & gravy pie on a bed of spinach, cucumber & parmesen salad with paprika ricotta. It came in at 438cals for the whole dish, which wasnt too bad for a full-pastry pie, and it was sooooooooooo yum!!!! Wont be making these for awhile, so I enjoyed it! Hubby made a chili-con-carne pie. Just chili-con-carne out of a can- how boring!!!

Will be back to post probably sunday night or monday morning with more details on my planning for next week but im working crazy hours til then, so have a great weekend planning everyone!!