Starting to see a light

Hello loyal followers, if there is anyone left. I wouldnt blame you all for jumping ship as its been fairly quiet here lately. I am starting to see a way back though, there is hope for me yet!

It was very tempting to just delete this blog and turn my back on the whole thing but I want to make something good out of this. I want to look back in a few months and see how far ive come. The quote under my blog banner has definitely rung true for me the last few weeks.

Its only after we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything.

I had my first panic attack a week ago. It was very scary. Now, im a nurse and have seen alot of 'panic attacks' before, both real & fake and this was so scary to me. Its incredible how sudden it starts. My chest became so heavy and tight it was so hard to breathe. I started hyperventilating (breathing very very fast) and was crying like ive never cried before- these were no crocodile tears, this was a painful and deep cry. A feeling of impending doom overcame me and I started to feel very weak & dizzy. It was the scariest thing ive been through in my life.

But, in the end I think it was my body trying to release something- a pent up mixture of emotions and energy that needed to escape as it was screwing up my head and im used to thinking clearly and was so not myself with this negative package of emotions doing its damage. After I calmed down I felt a sense of serenity and could finally start to piece things back together. 

Im still quite fragile at the moment, mentally, and right now its just a day by day battle to keep my headspace in the positive light, but its getting there. I have a few new ideas & plans lined up weightloss/exercise wise and will delve into those in the very near future, so stay tuned folks! The healthy & skinny version of me will be with you shortly! And I promise to do more regular posts. I know these deep & dark depressive posts arent exactly a ball of joy but I feel I know im not the only one with demons and I WANT to show people with the same demons that there is hope and we can look back to this one day and feel proud. 

Peace out!