update

Its been a very very long time since I updated and I know there are certain people out there who have been worried about me (im looking at you chucky!). The truth is, the last few weeks have been abit of a rollercoster ride and I didnt really know how to express it, or whether I even should express whats been happening to the public world of blogging. But I guess getting it all out there will either be the best thing or the worst thing and who really knows so ive decided to put it out there.

I have completely fallen off the wagon. I have fallen hard, hit my head on the ground and been run over by the traffic behind me. It all started week 3 of the challenge when I got really sick with the flu. I was so sick I could barely walk up the stairs in my house let alone drag myself to the gym. Also money was getting really tight and I could not follow Michelle's diet plan at all. I did try though, tried to make the cheapest things I could. I had a really awful week that week and started slipping back into old habits again. Of course, this led to me feeling like a complete failure and the last few weeks have just flown by and ive been too ashamed to show my face again. I really set myself up for failure and I did fail and it hurts so much. I made my battle so public and set myself up for such a huge goal that at the slighest hint of failure my mind over-ruled me and I convinced myself to just crawl back into my hole and stay there and thats where ive been lately. The feeling of failure is incredible. Ive failed many times in the past but never has it hurt so much. I thought being so open about my struggle would be the key ingrediant to get me over the line but it honestly feels like the one thing that made me crash & burn. I am so ashamed & so embarrased and its hard for people to understand who have never gone through such things. Getting 'back on the wagon' sounds so much easier then it is aswell. I have slipped back into a very depressed state and I feel like im on the verge of breaking point. The last few weeks have bought up so many feelings of self-hate and lowered my self-esteem to such a low level that I had dabbled in my even worse dark demons of my past eating habits when I was anorexic/bulimic. The starving myself for a few days, then binging & purging cycle all started again and I hate it when I relapse like this. It only lasted a few days but its added to my depression big time and although the binging/purging & starving behaviours have been re-controlled, ive gone back to the same old habits I usually have which got me here in the first place. And the associated depression that comes with it has reared its ugly head again and im having a really tough time trying to get a hold on things again. Im just so lost right now and I hate it.