onto Plan B

Firstly, I would just like to clear the air on how I feel about Michelle's 12 week body transformation program. I think its a fantastic program. The meal plans were great, the exercise plans were awesome, and the online forums & support are the true strength behind that program along with all of the live videos & weekly messages. So why did it not work out for me? Ive been picking my brain and trying to find what went so wrong. There is nothing in the program that was bad, my downfall was myself and how I handled situations in my life when the going got tough. As mentioned previously, the last few months have been abit nightmarish for myself & my husband and having all that extra stress in our lives really took its toll and I didnt handle things the best way I could have. Being so public with my weight battle, which I still believe was one of the best things I ever did, also had the downfall of setting myself up for failure. Putting my expectations so high and at the slightest hint of failure I plummented, the embarrassment of having to face everyone I publicly confessed to did not help my depression at all. Coming to terms with that was probably the hardest thing of all.

Things are starting to normalise again in my life and im starting to feel back to my happy self and at a point where I can get over the past, learn from my mistakes and feel comfortable enough to start this journey all over again.

So, on with the plan! One of the best lessons I learnt from Michelle was plan, plan, plan!!!! Now, im not using this as an excuse, but im being realistic- time is always against me when it comes to preparing healthy meals. This is one of the downfalls I found when I was doing the 12wbt, and having to make time added to my stress. So this time around I am going to go the method of literally being spoon-fed. Delivered diet meals. No before you all send me hate email for being so bad, hear me out. The company im going through isnt like Lite n Easy and those sorts of companies that try so hard to fit as many chemicals as they can into the smallest sized serving of cardboard tasting crap then charge a small fortune for it. The company is called 'Trim a Weigh', they are a locally owned & operated family company and the only one I found that was suitable for vegetarians. Unlike most diet delivered meals which give you only 1 or 2 options, with trimaweigh you pick what you want for each meal from the entire collection they offer. The food is simple, fresh, and wholesome and hardly processed at all. Breakfasts to choose from include a huge selection of low GI cereals, grain toasts, eggs, english muffins, fruit salad, and hot breakfasts like vegetable fritatta with cottage cheese or omlettes. Morning tea is fresh, whole fruit. Lunches can include fresh salads, vegetarian burger pattie with salad and a wholemeal roll, cheese & salad, fruit salad, wholemeal crackers with tomato & cheese, vegetarian lasagne with fresh salad and yogurt. Afternoon tea is a small snack of cheese & crackers or yogurt or light fruit cake or a muesli bar. Dinners to choose from are mac & cheese or spinach/ricotta canneloni or vegetable lasagna with a massive serving of fresh vegetables or a vegetarian quiche salad. All meals are low fat, low GI and low sodium. Its 1200 calories a day, and for the a 7 day program its $128, but im buying mine in 4 week packages which makes it $120 a week including free delivery.

As for exercise, ill leave that for the next post, but it will be fairly similar to what I was doing for the 12wbt as it was such a great exercise program.

As for the other areas of my life, things are going ok. I ended up getting a distinction for uni last semester which im stoked with and am looking forward to this semester which started this week. Work has been good too lately, busy, and ive had students everyday but overall has been fairly stress-free. I got an awesome tax return this year which has really helped us get back on our feet as finances were a huge stress the last few months!

Overall, im looking forward to getting my life back on track and I hope you can stick around for the ride!

Starting to see a light

Hello loyal followers, if there is anyone left. I wouldnt blame you all for jumping ship as its been fairly quiet here lately. I am starting to see a way back though, there is hope for me yet!

It was very tempting to just delete this blog and turn my back on the whole thing but I want to make something good out of this. I want to look back in a few months and see how far ive come. The quote under my blog banner has definitely rung true for me the last few weeks.

Its only after we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything.

I had my first panic attack a week ago. It was very scary. Now, im a nurse and have seen alot of 'panic attacks' before, both real & fake and this was so scary to me. Its incredible how sudden it starts. My chest became so heavy and tight it was so hard to breathe. I started hyperventilating (breathing very very fast) and was crying like ive never cried before- these were no crocodile tears, this was a painful and deep cry. A feeling of impending doom overcame me and I started to feel very weak & dizzy. It was the scariest thing ive been through in my life.

But, in the end I think it was my body trying to release something- a pent up mixture of emotions and energy that needed to escape as it was screwing up my head and im used to thinking clearly and was so not myself with this negative package of emotions doing its damage. After I calmed down I felt a sense of serenity and could finally start to piece things back together. 

Im still quite fragile at the moment, mentally, and right now its just a day by day battle to keep my headspace in the positive light, but its getting there. I have a few new ideas & plans lined up weightloss/exercise wise and will delve into those in the very near future, so stay tuned folks! The healthy & skinny version of me will be with you shortly! And I promise to do more regular posts. I know these deep & dark depressive posts arent exactly a ball of joy but I feel I know im not the only one with demons and I WANT to show people with the same demons that there is hope and we can look back to this one day and feel proud. 

Peace out!

update

Its been a very very long time since I updated and I know there are certain people out there who have been worried about me (im looking at you chucky!). The truth is, the last few weeks have been abit of a rollercoster ride and I didnt really know how to express it, or whether I even should express whats been happening to the public world of blogging. But I guess getting it all out there will either be the best thing or the worst thing and who really knows so ive decided to put it out there.

I have completely fallen off the wagon. I have fallen hard, hit my head on the ground and been run over by the traffic behind me. It all started week 3 of the challenge when I got really sick with the flu. I was so sick I could barely walk up the stairs in my house let alone drag myself to the gym. Also money was getting really tight and I could not follow Michelle's diet plan at all. I did try though, tried to make the cheapest things I could. I had a really awful week that week and started slipping back into old habits again. Of course, this led to me feeling like a complete failure and the last few weeks have just flown by and ive been too ashamed to show my face again. I really set myself up for failure and I did fail and it hurts so much. I made my battle so public and set myself up for such a huge goal that at the slighest hint of failure my mind over-ruled me and I convinced myself to just crawl back into my hole and stay there and thats where ive been lately. The feeling of failure is incredible. Ive failed many times in the past but never has it hurt so much. I thought being so open about my struggle would be the key ingrediant to get me over the line but it honestly feels like the one thing that made me crash & burn. I am so ashamed & so embarrased and its hard for people to understand who have never gone through such things. Getting 'back on the wagon' sounds so much easier then it is aswell. I have slipped back into a very depressed state and I feel like im on the verge of breaking point. The last few weeks have bought up so many feelings of self-hate and lowered my self-esteem to such a low level that I had dabbled in my even worse dark demons of my past eating habits when I was anorexic/bulimic. The starving myself for a few days, then binging & purging cycle all started again and I hate it when I relapse like this. It only lasted a few days but its added to my depression big time and although the binging/purging & starving behaviours have been re-controlled, ive gone back to the same old habits I usually have which got me here in the first place. And the associated depression that comes with it has reared its ugly head again and im having a really tough time trying to get a hold on things again. Im just so lost right now and I hate it.

AWOL

an update is coming. Its groundbreaking stuff. Nah, not really, just more of my shit ramblings but I assure you there will be colourful language, a few tears and hopefully an epiphany. Stay tuned believers!

week 4 vlog

Oh my god. How horrible does the video look below? Yuk lol! Hurry up and press play to get rid of that nasty look on my face!

Measurements this week!

Chest: 108cm : down 2cms

Waist: 110cm : down 4cms

Widest: 129cm : down 2cms

Both Thighs: 80cms : no change

Total of 8cms gone yay!

this is bullshit!!

Grr im so over it right now!!!! This is a total uni/study vent so feel free to ignore as it doesnt really relate to 12wbt but I need to vent!!!

I have my exam next Wednesday and things are looking horrible!!!

Ive hardly studied, and yes I know thats my own fault but god this semester has been a bitch!! The first 3 lectures wont be in the exam but that doesnt really make a difference as I learnt nothing new in those lectures. I have spent the majority of the semester working on my major assignment which was worth 50% and I got 37.5/50 which I was stoked with, and I got 8.5/10 for my mini-exam at start of semester so I only need 4 out of 40 for my exam to pass the whole subject but im sitting on a distinction right now and id hate to lose that distinction. The annoying thing is, the majority of this semester has been on neurological, spinal & burns which the hospital I work at doesnt do so half the info just isnt sticking because I strongly relate facts to my experience and day-to-day work so if I havent done it then I dont get it!!! The exam will be 2 case studies, each worth 20%. Im fairly certain one of the cases will be ARDS (acute respiratory distress syndrome) as the whole 'theme' of this semester is advanced mechanical ventilation & respiratory and they kind of hinted on the ARDS lecture to know it back to front which is fine because im awesome with ARDS and am fairly comfortable with the knowledge. However, I just know the second case will be either spinal or neurological trauma as heaps of the students in my class are from the royal hospital which does neuro & spinal & burns traumas so they will want to quiz them I reckon. It sucks!!! I hate it!! I just hate everything to do with the brain/spine, and burns for that matter. Thats why I dont work in an area like that!!! Ah well. Im just being silly. At least next semester is cardiac & renal & advanced haemodynamics which my hospital is the best at so that will be awesome! Im just really bummed this semester has been a total drag as I so badly want to do really well and I know I will pass but I dont want to just pass- I want that distinction dammit!!!

Anyway. Enough of my ranting. This is what sleep-deprivation plus being sick plus being frustrated I cant go to the gym plus stupid fricken boring lectures does to a girl. Hopping off my soapbox now!

weigh-in week 3

Lost 700 grams this week. Im pretty stoked with that actually. Been so sick with this horrible cold the last few days & havent been able to go to the gym so I thought this week would be terrible but im happy to see a loss instead of a gain! So this brings my total to 2.7kg in 3 weeks. No where near what I initially set out to achieve by this stage but thats ok. Im abit worried about next week being mini milestone. I was hoping to be able to run 1km but now with my chest full of crap & hardly being able to breathe I know this wont happen. It always takes me awhile to recover my breathing after being sick (and no, im not a smoker- never have been!) and I know it will take awhile to get my fitness back again but thats ok. Im very proud of how far ive come in 2 weeks so it wont take long to get back there again.

So im down to 103.1kg now which is good. So close to being under 100kg which is exciting! Ive noticed my jeans are abit looser and my work uniform feels abit more comfy, especially around the hips/tummy. I cant wait to order new uniforms for work in smaller sizes!

Ive been abit down lately, as I vaguely mentioned a few posts back. This journey is certaintly unlocking alot of hidden emotions. For so long I have been so unhappy with myself its just my normal way of thinking & feeling now and when I receive a compliment or feel happy about something its such a foreign concept that I so quickly dismiss the feeling as its 'not right' to feel that way. Im finding it very hard to grasp any sort of certainty on who I am as a person now and what I want in my life. And of course, what I deserve in life. Do I really deserve to be happy? Or am I just here to try make others happy? Does anybody even care? My head is full of such conflicting opinions on myself & my life and im beginning to feel very self-absorbed and narcissistic and again dismiss these thoughts as soon as possible because I dont have time to be thinking about this about myself. Over-analysing much???

this sux

Been awhile since I posted, been super busy working some shit shifts this week. And to top it all off im sick! So not happy right now. Ive been working nights this week and it was about midnight the other night I started to get a runny-nose and by 7am I was wrecked. It has now blown into a massive crazy cold with my nose constantly dripping, I cant stop coughing and every time I cough I dry-retch! Add into that total lethargy and a slight case of the runs! Its awesome. So no gym for me. And weigh-in is tomorrow! I have no idea how it will go. I havent really been eating either, feel way to sick to even think about it. I just want to be over this so I can get on with it!!!

feeling abit down.

that is all.

week 2 weigh-in vlog